single & SO NOT ready to mingle
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Yesterday, I attended a bridal shower in Staten Island for my cousin's fiancé, Ashley. I wore my black scrappy heels (Old Navy), my sister's plain black bodycon dress, and my new floral kimono ($15 at C21).
I straightened my hair, pulled some of my 'good' jewelry, and slathered on some make-up. In short: I cleaned up nice. The past few months, I've either been in sweats around the house or in a burgundy button-down with a throat-choking tie for work. For this shower, dressed like this, I felt special. I felt saucy.
I then took to my Instagram, posted the above image (edited with @acolorstory), and captioned it: single & SO NOT ready to mingle.
It got a buttload of likes & sweet supportive comments, but that was not the point. The point was this: I hadn't seen myself so 'put together' in a long time. I was a bit shell-shocked to see I actually looked good...I actually looked...well...dateable.
That's when the thought popped into my head: "GIRL, you are SOOOOO not ready for that." I may look put together on the outside, but I am BARELY keeping it together on the inside.
I'm still very sad about my break-up with John. I feel lost and confused and alone and realized that I am wildly co-dependent and desperately need to address this, like with my therapist. I've also been grappling with my anxiety disorder, and working with a specialist to diagnose and treat what exactly it is that I've struggled with my entire life.
So that's me lately! Fun, right? It is nobody's responsibility but my own to get myself well again, to get my life on track again -- and I'm working on it. Lord knows I'm working on it! Books & sweet friends have been helping.
Getting dressed up and spending the afternoon with my laaaaadies helped too. Below are the bunch, including mom, cousin Marcella, sister, Marcella's daughter Sabrina, and yours truly.
We played the game 'Toilet Paper Bride' where each table had 15 minutes to design a wedding dress out of toilet paper. We ate, laughed, shared stories, and enjoyed each others' company. You know how it all goes.
Do you ever feel like other people/couples make relationships look so easy? I know that's a comparison trap and a facade, and you never know what goes on behind closed doors, but people seem to go out, get along enough, and then eventually get married. Like, there it is. Boom.
There's a lot more anxiety around the thought of that for me. It's something I'm trying to get to the bottom of, but that's my truth. In the meantime, thanks for reading. This is as much mingling as I'm ready for.
