OCD and BIG LIFE THINGS

I’ve posted our engagement story and how I scrapbooked it, but there’s another thing I want to note that lives in a separate - yet connected - space.

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in my adult years, but have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and intrusive, ruminating thoughts my entire life. (I talk more about it in this post.) Whenever a change in my life occurs - big or small, good or bad - it usually triggers false alarms in my brain to fire, and they usually sound like this: WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! DANGER! A panic sets in and my mind starts racing.

Today marks 10 days since we got engaged, and I’m grateful that I was feeling calm and receptive the night it happened. The following day, I was absolutely blissful…but with all these feelings of getting exactly what you hoped for and it even exceeding your expectations, comes a wave of stress and fear that knows that is not how life works.

Anxiety is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Anxiety is being afraid of the worst happening when nothing is actually happening at all.

Obsessive thinking takes on a variety of different content, but mine usually dresses up in what they call ROCD clothing or Relationship OCD.

Once I got used to the ring being on my finger, that diamond kicked up a lot of fears laying dormant inside - for both of us, actually. Tom grew anxious I would change - that I would get domineering and controlling - a lot like the environment he grew up in. I became anxious that he would change - that he would get difficult and nasty - creating the environment I grew up in.

I grew up in a home in which I perceived my mother trapped in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage that not only just didn’t fulfill her, but took a serious toll on all aspects of her well-being. I have a fear of being unhappy, desperately lonely in a relationship, and trapped in it.

The compulsion part of it is wanting to be reassured that won’t happen, or “rigging” the relationship in such a way that I can control the outcome and ensure its success.

Do you see the thought patterns? Managing OCD is about being at peace with not knowing and living in the uncertainty. Hearing the alarms, but not letting them stop you from moving ahead and living your life according to your values.

I’m trying my best, but big life things trigger OCD.
If you know, you know.

I thought it worth briefly talking about because even though Tom is my person and all these words are 100% true and I want to marry that man with all my heart, the infamous saboteur OCD is bound to show up and challenge my decision. I’ve learned it’s all about CHOICE though, and I stand by mine.

My gatekeeper is very excited. :)
Everything else is irrelevant.