out with the old (sneakers), in with the new

I can totally see how somebody can be a hoarder. I’m the opposite way, actually, and literally want to purge everything in my wake that I can’t find an immediate use for, but I completely understand what’s behind the hoarding when it happens.

This week I bought new sneakers. They’re the modern soft grey pair above and super comfy, and by the looks of my traffic-light green ones, I was in desperate need of them.

However, something inside of me was fighting ‘giving up’ my green ones for a long time. You see, I bought my green sneakers in 2015: my year of proof. That was the year I fell in love with John. That was the year I flourished in my creative job with me & my BIG ideas and moved into my apartment and started Bachata dancing several days a week, and stepped into myself in a grand and major way. That year - with these green sneaks on my feet - I lost 22 pounds and felt the healthiest & happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. I remember taking this photo:

I guess because these green sneakers were ‘attached’ to that beautiful year, the thought of getting rid of them and detaching from that year (even though it’s 2019 and DUH I already have) triggered my anxiety… the same way the turn of the new year did for me a few weeks ago.

I held onto those green sneakers for three years because I really do love them (well, DID, when they weren’t worn to the sole), but also because I didn’t want to let go of what they helped me to remember: a time when I was the happiest I’ve ever been.

Now, with the joining of my new gym last month, I see that they’ve ‘run’ their course, no pun intended. There’re holes in them where there should be support, the soles are flattened, and my feet dip to the side from wear. I knew I was long overdue for new sneakers, but it took the coaches at the new gym to tell me to get new sneakers for me to admit to myself it was time.

And the fact that this post is even about sneakers is poetic in a way since it’s time for me to ‘step’ into my new year and new season and new self, and literally STEP INTO NEW SHOES.

Another #WIN for the plight against my codependent tendencies, I guess…but still there’s hurt. Still there’s a need to leave what has passed in the past, and fully embrace where I’m standing + what I’m standing in. I think I was able to yesterday for the first time:

I’m starting to see these past six weeks of going to the gym and letting the pain out there and putting the work in change the shape of my body a bit. Physical strength has been equating to mental + emotional strength, and that’s always been the case for me in the past…so silly that I had forgotten that for a while.

Life is always moving us forward whether we like it or not. Sometimes we pick up momentum and feel like we have reached a place like where I was in those green shoes: in flow, in alignment, and ‘on my way’. Other times, we resist life’s forwarding of ourselves. We are ‘on our way’ in those times too, we just get a little sad about leaving the place we enjoyed so much. In those cases, you don’t need to take long strides or twirling, joyous leaps. Inching forward is still moving forward, and I say: do that gracefully and proudly, knowing it’s still getting you where you need to go.

Goodbye, fierce green shoes. Thank you for your service. // Hello, comfy new grey ones. Welcome to my feet.