Hey, it's okay...
/Hey, it’s okay to see how long this blog post is and decide NOT to read it.
Remember that one-page feature “Hey, it’s okay…” in every Glamour magazine aimed at calming us women down about all the silly things we tend to stress about?
Well here’s a few I've needed lately:
- Hey, it’s okay to feel like a Picasso painting, all distorted and skewed. You are still enough.
- Hey, it’s okay for every tiny task to feel too big or too hard. Sometimes that happens, and you can always come back to them at a later time when you’re feeling stronger and more ready.
- Hey, it’s okay to doubt yourself and every. single. decision. you make. You’re only human, the magic of motivation quotes can wane, and some days you’re not up to the task of powering through all the resistance.
One of the best first few pages of a book I have ever read belonged to Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse: One Twentysomething’s (Mostly Failed) Attempts at Adulthood when Alida Nugent writes
“…becoming a living, breathing, job-having, bill-paying, responsible adult [is] really fucking difficult…every old person you ever meet says it’s so easy…what with our lack of world wars and easy access to Jamba juice…but I beg to differ. …For me, it’s a time of rolling around and watching my life moments get devoured whole by the Internet, all while hoping I eventually figure out both my future and how to make my hair look nice. It’s hard, but not in a way that you feel like you have any right to complain about it, which makes it even harder.”
Welcome to my life. Your life too, a little bit, maybe? Please? I have been struggling lately so here’s another one: “Hey, it’s okay to feel like life’s a struggle even though you’re not actuallystruggling…with war, with a fatal disease, with famine, with [insert real struggle here].” I get it, yet…
…life still feels really, really hard. // My recent examples: I’m pretty sure this really awesome career-forwarding opportunity officially passed me up this week. // My dad wrote me off and didn’t talk to me for a whole month because he was offended I went to Jiffy Lube for an oil change (???) and without apologizing, just casually called me up and decided to be my dad again. (???) // While teeter-tottering my coffee pot on top of a pile of unwashed pots and dishes, it fell over and a huge glass chunk broke off the top, yet mama needs her coffee so I still brew into it, and when I pour: half the coffee makes it into the cup, and half the coffee decorates whatever surface it’s over. // I lost my laundry card, have a hamper of dirty clothes pissed off and waiting to be washed in the middle of my living space, and am so defeated by its misplacement. Where is it?! Seriously. // I got, like, my 45th UTI on Thursday, no doctor can help me truly squash the problem, and the other night – when the pain was full force – I was in the middle of a work shift. I had to leave early, wobble to my car (who’s engine keeps giving out on me) at 10pm, drive miles away to the nearest walk-in clinic opened late enough to be diagnosed with not just an infection, but a “whopping infection” and pay double the amount for the visit than I made earlier that evening on my shift. // …and the saga of health insurance (or lack thereof) goes without saying.
Again, I know these are not tragedies. They are nothing compared to…x y z…and I will get to the good stuff before signing off of this email, but still. Still. Hey, is it okay?!
I wanted to share something about growing pains and what it feels like to be turning 33 on Thursday and knowing I want to be a mom someday, but feel like my shit is light years away from being together enough for that, then I read this post, and everything I wanted to say felt said, and more adequately than I ever could have said it. Fast forward through more scrolling when I stumbled upon this post on comparison and everything I wanted to express about THAT felt expressed, and more adequately than I ever could of expressed it.
It’s tough to feel like the balloon of an idea you’ve been blowing your precious breath and energy into is nothing compared to the Thanksgiving Day parade-sized floats of that same concept, and that the simple, accidental letting up of your grip could cause it wildly spinning in the air, deflating in milliseconds. // Not a tragedy, but it still feels hard, but not in a way that I feel like I have any right to complain about, which makes it even harder.
It’s tough to know you have a good, marketable new product idea, but no means to bring it to life. …or fear that if you disclose this new innovation to a company that could help, they’ll steal it and create their own version of it for personal, capital gain. …and that going after the dream of bringing your new product idea to life could potentially delay or even squander other dreams you might have for yourself.
So…another one: Hey, it’s okay to consider yourself brave, strong, and optimistic and STILL freak out about what comes along with being brave, strong, and optimistic.
There are so many conflicting messages and identifiers out in the world, so Hey, it’s okay to feel conflicted! // John and I just watched the series finale of The Office last night and of course, it was so good, and a great send off to a show we both loved. In one part of the send off, Pam gives this speech saying, “…be strong, trust yourself, love yourself, conquer your fears, just go after what you want, and act fast because life just isn’t that long.” …and then finished the whole series with the line “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” I identified with both, but then… which is the point?! Do you act fast and go full force after what you want? Or enjoy the simple things which are already around you? Maybe it’s both at the same time, but don’t they kind of cancel each other out? Don’t settle & strive V.S. settle and appreciate?
I think ‘appreciate’ is always a good thing to just do anyway. This week was tough, and every week that I’m not on somebody’s pay roll seems to be getting tougher, but I do my best to latch on to the blessings.
So if you’ve stuck with me in this email long enough to get to this point, as promised, here is the good stuff – the blessings I latched on to last week:
- I found a new read amongst the pile of discarded books in the laundry room.
- My sister had off this week, and I got two really great days with her: Halloween day shopping at the outlets, and a morning visiting our 10 month old baby cousin.
- (see photo at the start of this email) my new box of tiny ornaments, a cat butt and a coffee-filled cup
These are just a few of the shining moments – and the things that usually make it into my memory keeping. // If nothing else, I hope this post has made you feel less alone in confusion, and hey, it’s okay if it didn’t. You'll get there. Thanks for reading and letting me share anyway.
